I'm not ready

There’s an old saying “Be careful what you wish for — you just might get it.” The point being, of course, is that it might not be all it’s cracked up to be.

For years I’ve longed for a relationship with a woman, perhaps leading toward marriage, but in pursuit of that I’ve recently had an ugly reality dropped on me yesterday: I’m not ready and don’t know when I will be. The details are too long to get into here, but suffice it to say that it’s been humbling to say the least.

I think part of that is that it’s difficult in our society for single men above a certain age. Most men, especially in the church, my age have wives, children and/or, in some cases, grandchildren they can dote on, and if you don’t have those things you really start to think, “What’s wrong with you?” So you start to do things you probably shouldn’t do, which in this case I’ve likely done and alienated some people in the process. More to the point, since very few men are in my state they simply cannot relate to the emptiness I’ve felt all this time.

But because many, if not most, churches are full of single women, they can congregate among themselves for fellowship and have no need at all for men. (A few years ago a single woman friend in the leadership of a singles ministry said she was praying that God would raise up male leadership. I told her that wouldn’t happen, and it didn’t because I knew that the supply of mature single men in her vicinity was, and still is, too low.)

I’m the type of person that enjoys arts festivals, concerts and other things on which it’s far more acceptable to go on a date; being alone is awkward, and organizing a group is often too hard. On top of that, Valentine’s Day, which I’ve always loved celebrating, is next week, and this year it will be difficult to endure. But, at least for now, I’ll be alone, and in the meantime I’ll have to deliver not only some apologies but also seek to make amends.