In a post I made in December I vowed that I would keep my
heart open and not hide it away for fear of having it broken again. I knew that
the healing process would take time but benefit me down the road.
I didn’t think, however, that it would happen as soon as it
appears to be happening.
As many of you know, among other things I’m a jazz
composer/arranger, and recently I’ve composed my most beautiful, haunting tune
yet that I will arrange for my big band, likely as soon as spring. I’m also a
dancer, my preference being West Coast Swing, and now looking to do a routine
to a specific song. (I might even take a couple trips to weekend dance
conventions in nearby cities if I can afford it and find a church to attend on
Sunday morning.)
And — I think I’ll find love again very soon, though again I
won’t put a timetable on that.
In the meantime, however, I’ll keep ministering to the similarly
broken because I believe doing so helps the process; already I’ve encountered
five people who are going through similar (but not the exact) situations. It’s
occurred to me that focusing merely upon what I may want can and likely will
sabotage my growth, and if my growth is sabotaged I won’t be able to do for
others.
I suspect that there’s a certain narcissism endemic in
unhealthy grief; while introspection at such times can be a good thing — in my
case, nights are the toughest, and I’ve occasionally lost sleep — I’m finding
that spending too much time on what’s ailing me causes emotional and spiritual
regression. So these days when the tears come, and they do come, I allow them
to flow freely and then get right back up. I have a life to live, you know.
Who’s with me?
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